Extremely negative and angry post. (You’re warned)
I am not a compulsive over eater.
It feels great to finally tell the truth.
[I’ve said too many times that I was, hoping it was true and that OA would cure my fatness.]
How in god’s name did I reach nearly 400 lbs? People must think I sit around all day, continually stuffing my face. I HAVE NEVER EVER DONE THIS! I feel the need to shout it because I see in people’s eyes what they think of me, and it makes living extremely unpleasant. It makes walking through the gym damn near unbearable as I see people laugh behind their hands at me, or else look at me with such pity, which I suppose is better but makes me feel worse.
I have never lived with someone who hasn’t said to me: “I don’t understand why you are so fat, you don’t eat that much.”
When I was young and when I was told that I was FAT. I was NOT FAT. My mom, my sisters, my peers, they put this idea in my head that I was fat. And that is EXACTLY WHAT I BECAME.
My sister and i recently looked at some old home videos from when we were young. We were both convinced that we were fat at that time, and looking at the video, we saw that we were of normal weight, with slight padding on legs and bellies. I mean, really quite slight. And even doctors weren’t telling us to lose weight at that time. And now we are both near 400 lbs. I can’t believe this is just coincidence.
I see how it works now, how a simple idea spoiled my entire life, the elegance of it. Too fat to go play, got heavier. Too fat to go on dates, stayed home and had an ice cream, got heavier. Too fat to go out and do the things I wanted, got heavier.
I don’t see a way out. No amount of therapy, making peace with food, making peace with being fat, touchy feely love myself workshops, psychopharmacology, anonymous eating disorder groups, vigorous attempts to repattern how I eat, new age brain washing techniques a la the secret, meditation retreats, finding my inner peace and interpreting my dreams has helped me GET PAST IT already!
Well since i came to buddy slim I white knuckled my way through healthy eating of nearly six months without starving, which I thought was key to breaking the unhealthy eating cycle. I exercised regularly, I kept a regular calorie intake with a daily average of 500 calorie deficit. Two months ago I started swimming again, where I can do 1-2 hours of vigorous laps a day. I HAVE ACTUALLY GAINED WEIGHT DURING THIS DIET.
Sure, my eating habits have been sane. And sure, my physical condition is better and I don’t lose breath like I used to. But to actually GAIN WEIGHT!? Come on! The universe cannot be *this* cruel! In the end, I’m still an anorexic on the inside. I really don’t give a toss for my health, I just want not to be the fat joke for FIVE MINUTES OF MY FREAKING LIFE!
I have no idea what I can try, outside of illegal drugs.
According to my doctor everything internal is NORMAL and he suggests bariatric surgery, because obviously it must be that I have zero control over my eating and consume vast quantaties of food rivaled only by feasting blue whales.
What the hell is the point in that I ask you? I’d have to lose 150+ pounds to even have the pleasure of being sliced open. If I can lose 150 lbs to do surgery, I wouldn’t need the bloody surgery! How can someone this stupid be a doctor?
Ok, so I saw a picture of my great grandmother recently. She had eleven children to raise on my great grandfather’s construction worker wages early 1900s. I am sure that this woman did not have the money to overeat, even if she had the time to, which she couldn’t have had with eleven children. This woman was big, matronly, and shaped like me. People think that a body is a machine, you get out what you put in, and I want to believe it because then I can change my body to how I want it. But I think I’ve been lied to.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to binge or ‘go off my diet’, because I AM NOT A COMPULSIVE OVER EATER and I never have been.
So that’s several months of rants caught up.
It’s amazing what a word can do to people. You can do it. Good luck!!!
Have you consulted a specialist? It sounds as though you are doing all of the right things, and although muscle gain can add weight, you should be seeing some kind of a loss. It sounds as though your doctor may have a preconceived notion that you are not doing what you need to be, and that is why you are gaining weight. There are many physical illnesses that can cause you to gain and maintain weight, and some of them are uncommon enough that your doctor may not even think to check for them. It must be really difficult to stay motivated under these circumstances, but it sounds like you are doing a great job of sticking with your plan. I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us posted as to how things are going for you!
First off I want you to know I have a friend who did the surgery and there are lots of things you have to sacrifice eating afterwards ! She did it to save her life ! I really am glad I saw your blog cuz I know what it is like to tormented by the sheer ignorance of people ! I had to tell myself I deserve to be at the gym just like that skinny girl on the treadmill or the eliptical ! I Do ! I went out of my comfort zone to make friends at the gym ,just someone who supported me and my efforts . You might really be surprised that people want to be your friend ! I’m just saying really look at all the angles . You have come to far to turn back now ! You just really find what’s going to work for you! I am here for you if you need me ! Kimmi
I understand how you feel. I stopped bingeing/dieting 4 years ago and was able to maintain my obese weight of 285 for that whole time by eating normally. And when I say normally, it is on healthy real foods, no fast foods, no junk foods. And I did not lose a pound.
I too have tried everything under the sun and since I am 52, that means 32 years of trying. I am at the point of looking at it differently. I just want some sort of calm and consistency about it all.
Perhaps trying too many things is causing conflicting information for you. Work the things that feel “right” to you and keep on keeping on. Eventually something will work.
