loser

I am not a compulsive over eater.

It feels great to finally tell the truth.

[I’ve said too many times that I was, hoping it was true and that OA would cure my fatness.]

How in god’s name did I reach nearly 400 lbs?  People must think I sit around all day, continually stuffing my face.  I HAVE NEVER EVER DONE THIS!  I feel the need to shout it because I see in people’s eyes what they think of me, and it makes living extremely unpleasant.  It makes walking through the gym damn near unbearable as I see people laugh behind their hands at me, or else look at me with such pity, which I suppose is better but makes me feel worse.
I have never lived with someone who hasn’t said to me: “I don’t understand why you are so fat, you don’t eat that much.”

When I was young and when I was told that I was FAT.  I was NOT FAT.  My mom, my sisters, my peers, they put this idea in my head that I was fat.  And that is EXACTLY WHAT I BECAME.

My sister and i recently looked at some old home videos from when we were young.  We were both convinced that we were fat at that time, and looking at the video, we saw that we were of normal weight, with slight padding on legs and bellies.  I mean, really quite slight.  And even doctors weren’t telling us to lose weight at that time.  And now we are both near 400 lbs.  I can’t believe this is just coincidence.

I see how it works now, how a simple idea spoiled my entire life, the elegance of it.  Too fat to go play, got heavier.  Too fat to go on dates, stayed home and had an ice cream, got heavier.  Too fat to go out and do the things I wanted, got heavier.

I don’t see a way out.  No amount of therapy, making peace with food, making peace with being fat, touchy feely love myself workshops, psychopharmacology, anonymous eating disorder groups, vigorous attempts to repattern how I eat, new age brain washing techniques a la the secret, meditation retreats, finding my inner peace and interpreting my dreams has helped me GET PAST IT already!

Well since i came to buddy slim I white knuckled my way through healthy eating of nearly six months without starving, which I thought was key to breaking the unhealthy eating cycle.  I exercised regularly, I kept a regular calorie intake with a daily average of 500 calorie deficit.  Two months ago I started swimming again, where I can do 1-2 hours of vigorous laps a day.  I HAVE ACTUALLY GAINED WEIGHT DURING THIS DIET.

Sure, my eating habits have been sane.  And sure, my physical condition is better and I don’t lose breath like I used to.  But to actually GAIN WEIGHT!?  Come on!  The universe cannot be *this* cruel!  In the end, I’m still an anorexic on the inside.  I really don’t give a toss for my health, I just want not to be the fat joke for FIVE MINUTES OF MY FREAKING LIFE!

I have no idea what I can try, outside of illegal drugs.

According to my doctor everything internal is NORMAL and he suggests bariatric surgery, because obviously it must be that I have zero control over my eating and consume vast quantaties of food rivaled only by feasting blue whales.

What the hell is the point in that I ask you?  I’d have to lose 150+ pounds to even have the pleasure of being sliced open.  If I can lose 150 lbs to do surgery, I wouldn’t need the bloody surgery!  How can someone this stupid be a doctor?

Ok, so I saw a picture of my great grandmother recently.  She had eleven children to raise on my great grandfather’s construction worker wages early 1900s.  I am sure that this woman did not have the money to overeat, even if she had the time to, which she couldn’t have had with eleven children.  This woman was big, matronly, and shaped like me.  People think that a body is a machine, you get out what you put in, and I want to believe it because then I can change my body to how I want it.  But I think I’ve been lied to.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to binge or ‘go off my diet’, because I AM NOT A COMPULSIVE OVER EATER and I never have been.

So that’s several months of rants caught up.

I used to be really strict with myself about logging every morsel I put into my mouth.  I guess I haven’t been for a week now.  I blame Harry Potter lol.  I bought the new book at midnight last Sat and stayed up all night reading it.  I had some (healthy) snacks during the potter-a-thon but I couldn’t tear myself away to log it in.  Ever since then I haven’t bothered with the food log.  I eat more or less the same things and know my cals have been in range, but its still good to log it in I guess.

Exercise is still kinda lame, though I’ve been on a cleaning kick which must be taking up *some* slack.  My place is tiny, and I really don’t have *that* much stuff, but for almost a year I worked a 60hr/week job and often would just do the minimum…things would get neglected (or stuffed into a closet lol).  A year ago I did a clean out, and brought a ton of stuff to goodwill.  I don’t know where I get all this junk because I don’t shop much, but I’ve already got another box for goodwill filling up.

I really need a scale because I have no idea if i am losing and how much.  I think I am, or at least, I feel better and move easier than I did pre-diet (over a month now) so I guess that’s good signs.  Still I’d like to see the hard numbers!  I’ll be starting work again in about a week, then I’ll have some spare cash to get a scale.

I am absolutely not a sweets person.  Except for two weeks out of the month, then I’m totally a sweets person XD

So, I’ve been trying a lot of the light ice creams available.  I have NOT tried the slow churned stuff in the tub, which i hear is really great, for two reasons: i need easy portion control and it will get freezer burn even if I don’t control portions…i am just one person and can’t eat all of it lol.

Anyway, on to the appraisals.

Skinny cow sandwiches/flying saucers(as we called these as kids): 140 cals, i thought they were quite good, especially the chocolate.  The vanilla had a bit of an aftertaste.  Expensive, though.

Skinny cow mint ice cream cone: 150 cals, really a fine replacement for sundae cones, it even had a chocolate nugget in the bottom of the cone!  Yum!  I see no reason to miss the regular ones at all to be perfectly honest.  Also expensive.

Slim-A-Bear klondike bars: 100 cals.  OMG these are SOOO tiny!  They’re almost comically tiny.  I know people really seem to like them, but they really are kind of small and pathetic looking.  Taste good but its really a ‘three bite dessert’.  I don’t remember how much they cost.  For my 100 cals I’d rather eat a fudgesicle…

Weight Watchers Giant Cookies N Cream Bar:  We have a winner!  K, this was just slightly ridiculous.  Its 160 cals of an eyes-rolling-back kind of decadant creamy pleasure, and large enough to satisfy the most urgent ice cream need.  (I dunno if I’d call it GIANT though lmao)  Quite expensive, though.

Regular old fudgesicles: My personal fave.  100 cals, chocolatey goodness, I found these treats easy to fit in to my calorie budget, and they’re so yummy.  Weight Watchers makes a variety of fudgesicles with .5 grams fat instead of the 2 in the regular ones, and skinny cow has a lower fat variety too, but the regular fudgesicles are so inexpensive, its easy to overlook (for me anyway).  And its 100 cals for the BIG ones not the smaller ones, which are 80.

Thats it for now, check back next month for more lol ;D

I can’t say I’ve ruined my diet.  I’m eating the amount of cals I should be, and really good on fat grams, probably too many carbs and not enough protein.  Been eating a larger percentage of JUNK i.e. sugar-free fudgesicles and air-popped popcorn.  All little calories, but not exactly healthy.  Well, hopefully that will be all over soon.

My exercise efforts are still pathetic though and I *feel* the difference.  I felt much better when I got in at least 30 mins a day.  I know i need to switch the bike up with something to keep me sane and motivated…I want to -swim- dammit.  I never get bored with that.  I had hoped to be in better condition before starting up again.  I wonder if I’ll still fit into my suit :/  I have this suit from Junonia, that was like a wet suit made out of bathing suit material.  It was great find cos I was far too embaressed of my body to be in a regular bathing suit.  That said, this suit garners quite a lot of attention because its so odd lol.  I don’t care that much.  I just want to swim, not try out for a swimsuit competition :p

Money is really tight as I’m between jobs.  Oh well, i guess it won’t break the bank to go ONCE this week.  It will be mentally tough however.  Hum, I think I just set a goal.  Ohnoes!

First, just want to say thanks to everyone who posted comments on my last blog.  I do actually think my dad is kind of lonely.  I don’t really share much with him anymore since he started getting weird a couple months ago.  This was not particularly sensitive information, even.  We just happen to have a mutual friend whose opinion I hold very high…probably higher than anyone else in the world…and that was who got to learn some unflattering things about me.  Its probably a bit vain, lol, but I’d like to leave a favorable impression in his mind if I can manage it.  (Apparently I can’t.)  I’ve calmed down and am ok…for now, lol.  We’ll see when I get together with my friend in a couple weeks :/

§ § § § § § § § § § § § § § § § § § § §

Right.  Binge.

I found this link on bingeing and prevention and thought it was a good article to share:  http://snipr.com/1nwjg

I haven’t binged, though my eating has been weird and it is confirmed I’m having the dread PMS.  Exercise has been kind of pathetic, I just can’t find any motivation and every minute is torture so its not good long workouts.  My eating is weird, like I haven’t gone over calories but I’m not getting all my vegs in, and I feel like I really could have an over eating spree, so I’m trying to be aware of what’s going on.

I have had a crave for fast food.  Which is really weird.  I haven’t eaten fast food in probably going on 9 months.  I was never even a big fan of it, being a vegetarian, mostly all I could get were french fries.  Eating fast food always made me feel like a pile of poo, nevermind being expensive; it hasn’t been too hard to give it up for good.  So it was really alarming to have the crave for it today.  I guess I crave salty things, also like popcorn–but I don’t have a microwave and the air popper’s been on my amazon wish list for almost a year :p.  I don’t have that famished grumbling belly feeling, but I’m never feeling satisfied either.

I’d really like to know why is it I only get to feel and act like a normal human 2 weeks out of a whole month!?  It’s just not fair!  T_T

Not such a good day.  I had a horrible phone conversation and feeling low.  I don’t know what is wrong with my dad these days, but he’s been getting into the habit of telling people things they have no business knowing –about me, and my sisters and their families.  He’s always been a good friend and there’s a lot of years of deep trust in our relationship, but in the last few months he’s gotten loose lips about family business and it can be quite humiliating.  This last incident I found out about today really made me want to crawl under a rock and die of embaressment.  I’m still considering that course of action, btw, so if I’m not on buddyslim you know what happened ;P

Apparently I can’t trust him with -anything- anymore.  I’ve talked to him about this, and so have my sisters, but I guess he doesn’t see what he’s doing wrong, because he keeps on doing it!

Was ok before that phone call, but I’m so completely low I’m thinking there must be pms lurking somewhere.  Don’t know for sure, maybe its just a bad day.  I don’t crave food, in fact I had quite a subdued appetite all day.

So on plan for eating, but not for exercise.  I did do a bunch of cleaning today but its just not the same.  Some days, it seems a year, or two or three of being on plan is nothing at all, and other days it seems like an eternity.  Just to see some results, that is.  I know I can’t ever go back to how I was eating, and I don’t think I’d even want to.

PS spellchecker doesn’t seem to work D:

I’ve always had a weird relationship with breakfast.  I think a lot of people skip breakfast, but its chronic for me.  I remember skipping breakfast every day in grade school.  When I wake up and am getting ready for the day, its just not the time to put food into my mouth.

OTOH breakfast food is the best.  I just like it for lunch, or dinner.

I think part of my problems is not getting a good breakfast in.  Usually tea and a banana is all i can handle.  I did wake up famished today, had a bowl of oatmeal and a banana, and was fine for the rest of the day.  Was not starving or cranky like I’ve been.  I want to work more protein into my breakfast but its difficult being a vegetarian (and a picky one at that).

Usually I’m a night eater.  Since on plan I have a peanut butter sandwich when I’m hungry at night, with some milk, and that manages my hunger extremely well for the evening.  Probably because of that (me not eating at night much) I am getting more hunger in the morning?  I’m going to really have to eat breakfast regularly I guess.

I’ve always hated that analogy.  Maybe because it somehow makes a split between body and self?  Maybe because it makes it seem one should have total control over their body?  But high-spirited race horses are a b— to control, or at least the retired ones I have known.

I was just thinking of it today, as I struggled through every.tiny.thing.  Everything, from getting dressed to making food is so much harder when low energy.  The past week has been really LOW energy.  Yesterday I had two (!) naps, which even for a napmaster such as myself, is a little excessive.

I didn’t workout for two days, then today I decided, no more, I have to get back on the horse bike.  I had breakfast of 300 cals, and continued to be starving.  Real growling-belly hunger.  I felt super low energy still after eating.  I had a 100 cal snack about two hours after breakfast and felt well enough to try to exercise.  I lasted a pathetic 10 minutes and could barely break 10mph.  It was sad, really.  I was doing 4x that time and nearly 20mph last week.  Today I could not force that horse to move!  I really tried.  I dunno what it is.  The upside at least, was that I wasn’t hungry for about half an hour after I worked out.

The past two week went really well.  I haven’t changed anything, so I’m thinking the low cal diet had a honeymoon of sorts, for those two weeks when i was feeling fine.  Now I am into the hard, long stretch.  Even eating 2500 cals isn’t much better, but its a little better than today when I’m on plan to do only 1500.

Searching the web has convinced me that scientists/doctors don’t know what the heck is going on with the body during weight loss.  Everything is contradictory, its part of what has put me off from trying to lose weight for so many years.  Do anything, and some will tell you its right, some will tell you its wrong.

I used fitday food log to calculate what a typical day of eating was for me when I wasn’t ‘dieting’.  It was interesting, apparently I would typically eat just a couple hundred cals over what I burn in a day.  (Mind, its quite a lot of cals at my size.)  It seems to make sense, in general…my body programmed to maintain its weight and try to secure a little more for itself every day.

My intuition is that my body is triggering the hunger and pretending I have no energy, because !oh noes! I might have to use some of the stored fat, god forbid! (Silly body-this is where its not too smart.)  But I don’t know, and I’m kinda cranky for being freakin starving *all day*.  /end rants

Interviewed for a new job today. I think I’m going to take it, it pays nearly 2x what I am getting now, and has extremely flexible hours. Conceivably it would be more stressful, but ofc I don’t know for sure, maybe it will seem easier to me. The commute is 1.5 hours though, opposed to the .5 I am used to. That’s a lot of extra time in my car :/

Also I would have to buy a few suits. Of course I’m not looking forward to that. i hate shopping for clothes :/
Luckily I think i can keep my current job, and work the new one for a couple of months before I’d have to go back to the old job, so i guess it doesn’t hurt to try.

Today was ok for eating, stuck to plan for most part, though I didn’t get all my vegs in ><

I bought some frozen fruit bars, only 30 cals a piece and are quite flavorful, even if they’re…eh…dainty! XD

I didn’t work out today I am feeling a bit sore all over but I don’t see why? Like my arms are sore, i did some exercise with them but not much! Not enough to be sore, I thought :0 And so tired today! I even had a nap (when I should have been biking LOL) and I’m about to pass out now, pretty early for me.

That basically sums up the day, famished from morning till night.  Holy plan-wrecking calories batman!  D:

To my credit (I guess lol) it was all good food, no junk at all.  And I guess I am still burning 1.5k cals more than I ate, apparently.  But still…I would eat, and then be *famished*, like growling tummy, an hour later, even with plenty of protein.  What up with that?  I hope it doesn’t continue.  I haven’t had much problems with hunger up until now.  Hmm, my body is being weird today in general!  D:  Tired as heck and workout was really rough today.

I hope its just me adjusting to a new lifestyle, like I’m just detoxing.  I’m not on a diet, I’m detoxing!  XD

Tomorrow makes it two weeks since I started.  I have faith tomorrow will be better than today was…dang it, or else!  XD